Also smoke canabis but its a secret and I eventually found out of which she just denies even though I had proof and yet she still denies. Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I revisit how to make resolutions that are achievable and based in truth/ from a wise mind perspective. This leaves their partner in a very difficult situation. Thanks. But recently I have been obsessively thinking about my bpd ex and missing the craziness of her. This allows you to actively seek it out. We both live in London UK. If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need. I think she has this massive poker face as I like to describe. It is important from this point on that you learn how to protect yourself from those who are insecure and who may take advantage of your trusting nature. The spousal relationship is perhaps the most intimate of all. is there any evidence that people who come to acknowledge they have traits of BPD have a better outcome than those who dont? Its very difficult to keep someone like this in your good graces. To this day my group and I still meet now in 2023 because of the impact Rose had on us. But the version Im referring to was my first Waif. Funny that because I barely did anything wrong. Looking back, after our first meeting for the second time around, she came on to me in a very strong sexual way. I have told my therapist that I will be seeking a divorce if she cant acknowledge and work towards beating either issue. Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Have Traits of BPD-The Defense Mechanism of Projection. A . The problem is in the way that it is being romanticized. Though it accurately portrayedthe reality ofliving with BPD, the movie has often beencriticized forits too good to be true ending. I first met her at work about 6 years ago. In reality, she doesnt know what love really is because that requires true intimacy and vulnerability. In order to do this, you will need to use very specific techniques to get past her defenses. And that is in no way forgivable. Thankyou for your reply. Every other analysis labels us as equally dysfunctional as our bpd partner. He does not know what it is like to live in a world where you believe everyone is on the take, where no one has enough self control to keep your needs in mind. I even went to therapy where my therapist even agreed that she has some sort of personality disorder (she also displayed narcissistic traits). Its like she didnt understand why I would want to be with someone that acts like that. I think you are doing a great job. I have a lot of knowledge about BPD. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Let's break the stigma and learn ways to heal together. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round. The effects of this borderline personality disorder relationship cycle can range from depression, anger, resentment, revenge, and, sadly, even self-harm. Its certainly led to the eldest having low esteem and confidence despite him being academically very bright and a very thoughtful boy. I have been in relationships where I have genuinely felt as though I had been betrayed and so I felt deeply hurt. Is that the measure of a man?? It is seen as barter. In the disorder the woman is gentle and laughing with you. Their sociopathic behavior leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. I am retired and act as full time house husband. Part of me thinks she was just saying that to me to make me feel sorry for her and to keep me from leaving but the other part thinks she really meant it. The mental illness is characterized by emotional instability and periods of depression and anxiety . Situations like this can take time to recover from, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. I only recommend these techniques when there is a long-term relationship or children involved or a financial crisis upon divorce. I hope some other (exs) partners etc can relate as I find it very helpful to read such things. However, be aware that many women with BPD take revenge and can cause serious damage to their exs reputation. In Part 1 we explored the personality type associated with traits of borderline personality disorder, or BPD, and the unusual pattern of Dr. Jekyll-to-Mr. Hyde transformation that so many of these women go through when they enter a romantic relationship. Why should I make an effort to trust a gender that is mostly untrustworthy? What should i do? (As I read this, I fear I may be idealizing him!!!). What finally led me end my friendship with her was a delusional letter sent to my husband by her telling him I was unhappy in my marriage & unhappy with him in general (ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE, I have no idea where she got these ideas or why she feels she can run roughshod over my marriage.) THAT is what breaks my heartthat she may never allow herself to be happy. I remember asking her on a date who are you? and what do you like?her answer to both were I dont know. James I can understand where you are coming from. Doesnt really express anger in the verbal form but moreso in actions. One of the main characters, who played the part of the one-night stand, then becomes full-on obsessed and infatuated with the married man she slept with once. I dont think that was the intention, but it looked that way. I cannot believe it. I get treatment for anxiety, I have a little social phobia, not that I dont like other people, I just dont care for large crowds of strangers, this makes me somewhat of a homebody. Those proclamations of love. The first string was the heading sociopath followed by narcs and bpd, Thanks again jonanna fine service your giving those of us who need it most, Btw generally how long should it take for the rumination a and self blame to stop. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Hi! Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Conversations with Jay & Rose: Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor (Prov 29:23), Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. As the movie progresses, we see that some of thefree-spirited behaviors she exhibits are indicative of some deeper issues. I take more than I give. In addition to the information in the workbook, there are many blog posts on this site that you can refer to in order to understand better what is really behind her negative behavior. Proverbs 29:23 "Pride ends in humiliation, while humility brings honor." Maybe not the best idea but the chemistry was undeniable. Any suggestions? The feelings seem real, and they experience reality as one-dimensional, more like a drawing that they cant relate to. Utilization of sexuality for empowerment can compromise healthy sexual intimacy. I havent been supportive as hes trying to go to school. The counseling is not an option, I will still be reading here. An over trusting guy here. Where there should be hope, the article ends with dont fall for this con again. He is perplexed by defense mechanisms that most people know how to watch out for. Shortly before breakup she told me that we should go back to the start cause we had lost respect for eachother what she meant was she had lost respect for me because she was cheating at this time but I didnt know or suspect..in hindsight perhaps I shoulda given her an ultimatum to shape up or ship out were are done now its been 16 months with 13 nc and she imeadiately entered into new relationship which appears to be going well he is a drinker like her and much wealthier than me plus they share mutual friends.. @50 Im fearful of dating plus have no idea where to start as I dont drink and over the bars and clubs, Im very lost and only feel marginally better than I did after the break. Know everything will be alright now. I was constantly complained about being lazy, not doing anything around the house, not doing chores her way, not paying attention to her needs, not talking to her, not sharing, lying, being unfaithful. I suppose I suffer from this nice guy syndrome. Unfortunately, the mistaken assumption that most people have the ability to override their selfish interests to give to another human being can leave you wide open to being taken advantage of by those who lack these skills. I am also with someone who knows these things about me and is willing to help me learn to deal with them and perhaps change my mind set. She Took everything as a pressure or like a attack whenever I asked something so minimal. This girl definitely was a complete con artist and extremely selfish I figured about her mental instability within a couple months into the relationship and even tried to leave as I doubted at that time that she could anytime assault me, but the con artist that she was, she never let me go( she would huh me and cry like hell) And she had this unrelenting quench to get her things done by meAll hell used to break loose when I failed to do somethingThe relationship lasted for an year and a half during which time I never had time really to figure out what exactly her problem wasAfter the break up I felt soo devastated and almost convinced that she just used me as I never saw any remorse in her faceI felt really betrayed and became vengeful but I was controlled by my friends around me There after I started researching online to make sense of what happenedThat is when I came across BPD which completely explained every behaviour of hersShe had a divorce and a broken relationship before meAnd her ex bf once happened to call me after my breakup misinterpreting my number as hers. Find a therapist who understands personality disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder and Character Assassination, 3 Ways to Hold a Blame-Shifter Responsible, Walking Corpse Syndrome: Dawn of the Living Dead, 3 Persistent, Harmful Myths About Personality Disorders, Making Sense of Emotions in Borderline Personality Disorder, Observing Borderline Personality Family First-Hand, The Underlying Causes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Most women dont want this for the rest of their lives and I understand it, I own it, it is my personality. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. These men tend to care so deeply about their connections that they do not need to struggle in the way the average person does to keep others needs in mind. Tells everyone Im the one and yet just ends it and not seen her since!! She probably feared I would end it so she did it !! 10% US Women Have Borderline Personality Disorder 85% of people suffering from BPD are women and account for about 5% of the US population. Based on your last comment, I would say that you are at the end of your healing process. It is not only spouses or boyfriends that are affected by women with traits of BPD. For those who do not know, BPD is the mental illness with the strongest link to childhood trauma. I showed nothing but empathy, patience, and support for my ex and she still left meover a text message after telling me she wanted to marry me and have kids with me. I truely never felt this connected and close to a woman before because of the things she said and interaction we had. I have not tried to have a relationship in a long time and I prefer to be an escort (and yes I am bpd with a very harsh childhood/early adulthood history). Im just now emotionally healed enough to not have any hate or disdain for her as with the help of your articles and others I have come the realization that no matter how much she can or cannot control her behaviors, I have full control over how I choose to react to them. So please do continue the conversation, but remember that it is always best to be well informed, caring, firm, kind, understanding and consistent. Its a no win in so many ways. Thank you Rose for this podcast and Jay too! I am going out with a nice guy now, but I would never want to hurt him by acting out. Wow ,like everyone else says , its like you talking about my girlfriend!! Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support. I just gave up romantic love after getting involved with a woman with strong BPD traits. Wanted me but didnt want what a rship can give when your loved. Most of their acting out is done to drown out precisely these feelings of worthlessness. It sounds like you have been making very healthy choices and your self-awareness levels seems solid enough that you should be able to move through this adjustment period without too much difficulty. And its absolutely unfair to make them feel pain as a result of my internal crap. I could see I was going through increasing devaluation and didnt take kindly to the disrespect. Baylie shares her own personal story with borderline personality disorder, substance use, love addiction, and the importance of addressing her trauma through treatment in addition to sharing about the. Become lazy and complacent in a relationship whether they are nice or not. Schedule a mindset coaching session today here: https://www.skeetersstrength.com/product/individual-sessions/ Get your gear here: https://thrive-merchandise.creator-spring.com/? However, neither the pain a woman with BPD experiences in her everyday life nor her behaviors with other people will improve unless she gets help for herself. For men, attractiveness was the most important factor in predicting dating appeal. It can be done, but therapists are not trained in these techniques. Is it me? Having said this though she has completely ruined me as a person and i would love to understand how one minute i was everything and now im her worst enemy and the cause of all her problems, really struggling to cope and its more sad to think after all thw torture i I am just recovering from a 3 year nightmare with a sweet looking girlfriend straight out of hell. A woman with traits of BPD will be at her most defended in a situation where her flaws are being scrutinized. If I wrote her a short letter just offering to be there for her if she needed someone, how do you think a woman such as her would take that? This belief can cause too much shame for them to express remorse even if they are feeling it. Oh boy. What a great description of a classic woman with traits of BPD. Women are more likely than men to have BPD. We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. The embarrassment was just too much. I sincerely doubt you have it or you undoubtedly would be speaking in more sypathetic terms. Please know that many people reading your comment are supporting you. So should a real man in your opinion put up with all the push and pull of BPD partner, be unappreciated, always put someone else first, or deal with the splitting? This is really a time when a professional needs to be brought in to help you make the decisions you need to move yourself out of this situation. I constantly fantasize about getting back together with her for exactly the reasons you state in the article. | This increased her sense of self-loathing, particularly when others eventually had enough sex and left her alone. Healthy // Toxic: Relationships with Narcissistic, Borderline, and other Personality Types, Borderline and Back: Hope, Management and Resilience for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Very rebellious like does stuff out of spite. I felt like the life was being sucked out of me every time. Repeating of the cycle - the trigger. Nicola, sorry if I this is not the main topic of your blog, I just wanted to say this for *young nice guys* that have trouble lying to get laid: derive your self-worth and self-respect from yourself only, do not use flirting and the modern woman (and any kind of external validation whatsoever) to feel better or prideful, this must be a daily and inner working. I have a lawyer and am going forward on a separation as a first step. Being with other people reassures their fear of abandonment until they sense that the. Idealization phase? This just takes all hope away I believe if you have a borderliner, like me, on therapy and trying to work on herself, together with a partner who tries to understand and knows the triggers and tries to understand borderline, I believe it can work, at least, that is what I hope, because after reading this Im wondering if it will ever be better. Ive seen 4 counselors in that time and continued to hope that things would get better. I cannot believe and still dont comprehend what has gone on. I had stumbled across the Hot Crazy Matrix (HCM) YouTube video and was struck by its popularity and media coverage it had attracted. She has made false allegations in the past and even got me arrested I hadnt done anything except try to escape a double bind I still had to spend a day in a cell. Selling a house can be detrimental when equity is low. You will never find one as beautiful to me to love you (when I discussed breaking up over the child) She is not mentally capable of dealing with child welfare or very much else for that matter. It causes a person's moods, relationships, self-image, and behavior to be unstable from one day to the next. I opened myself up to her like I never did before not even with my ex-wife of 10 years. Probably. Women with traits of BPD are similarly convinced that no one in the world is capable of overriding their emotional impulses. The final straw was when I took her on an all expenses paid trip to beautiful Venice where she treated me terribly. That is no small feat. Instead they vacillate between idealizing and devaluing others. It is very helpful for others who have been through this to realize that they are far from alone in this experience. Theres a reason people run for the hills after having spent any relatively significant amount of time around BPD people theyre extraordinarily damaging people. Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Alcohol Use & BPD: Risk Factors, Reasons & Recovery, Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. A man must have a job. We started texting for approximately 3 months until we finally met for coffee and started seeing each other again for 8 months until it ended 2 weeks agoand again, it was right out of the blue. Keeping the Spark Alive in Your Relationship, 3 Ways to Hold a Blame-Shifter Responsible, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, An Addiction Myth That Needs to Be Revisited, 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. To which I agreed that we cant get too serious too quickly. I really appreciate your input. I tried to make her feel special in everyway but it just didnt seem to register with her thoughts and emotions really. After 2 years of recovering from a harmful ex, of being frustrated at online articles that refer to me as a codependent which I am not, of not being a whole person of which I am, this finally makes sense along with introducing a spectrum of behaviours. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. If you can get to that point, you can feel better and bring alittle piece in your life. I know I said its best to move on but I really care about this woman and though I know a romantic relationship is out the question, I want to help her (this is the nice guy part of me). Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! I am a nice person, that couldnt figure out how I was attracted to this type of person, but really they attach on to me, with high impact initial relationship giving that soon fade into a roller coaster that was set to drive me insane. But nice guy types such as yourself can be blissfully unaware that most people are unable to control their outbursts, their insecurity, and their compulsion to control others. The Nicola Method has been developed to give your spouse the exact language that you need to hear in order to overcome your feelings of distrust during high emotion episodes. The self-loathing was not consistent. Men give women a ring when they marry. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. May be you do not understand what bdp is. Rob, I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. Whenever I was with someone who I thought liked me, or might like me, I began to get anxious when I thought about them leaving. When we dont, our relationship partners experience our selfish actions as a mild form of betrayal of our relationship agreement. There was always a negative to a positive. She went into panic. Women With Traits of BPD Why Did She Lie? [Now], I would have a different outlook on that character.. You find that they emotionally drain you, you dont know this at first but long after the relationship you think what was I doing! I wish I could fix myself and save the marriagewe have 2 young kids. That's exactly the kind of girl I've been looking for. It is the flashbacks of the negative experiences that can get in the way of them rebounding with their ex even when their emotions are overriding their fear. ; ). Jay@skeetersstrength.com OR Rose@skeetersstrength.com. End up with two young kids. We are not bad people. Even the times where we agreed to see each other (plans she made too), she would most often cancel those plans without even so much as a sorry. It was very insightful. Individuals with BPD are often misunderstood and misdiagnosed. If you are struggling with borderline personality disorder and are in need of information and support, please call the National Alliance on Mental Illness at 1-800-950-6264. She is a self described loaner who up until about a year ago didnt really have friends (she has one now). It is providing some answers and healing for those that got no closure at all. . Anyway, due to my own weaknesses (messed relationships, attachment issues etc) we end up in a relationship living together she is the perfect match it would seem, really likes my messed-up family of origin, organising parties for birthdays for parents who have never done such things themselves.